i have been dormant for quite a while, but feel creative stirrings in myself again, thankfully. my muse is awakening! there are many horrible things in my life, but what i choose to present here is my inner reality- an acknowledgement of pain, a reaching for pleasure, and my dance upon that very fine line. This is my safe haven. This is the place where i feel strong, and competent, and capable of so much more than my life has allowed me to be. this is my voice, and my time to be heard, if by no one other than myself, encountered upon my page like an artifact unearthed after aeons of silence. i unwrap myself, and give this present to the world at large. this is my doorway, through which i peer, and open myself one tiny sliver, one infinitesimal word at a time, to the universe.

depends on how you look at it. in the two months since i've posted, i have only been able to see my children for an hour each day. i have gotten a job for the first time in two years. i broke up with my boyfriend of four years, and ended up seeing a crackhead instead. been spending time with my ex boyfriend, who does not want to believe that we ever broke up at all. we've enjoyed each others company, but i find that even worse, as we cannot be together for several reasons. i have felt the stirrings of some poems, nothing coherent as of yet. every day during my visitation time, i hold my children close, and try to hold on to the future time when we are reunited. i try to live each day and appreciate what joy i can find in each moment. the light at the end of the tunnel is dim, but present.

the. worst. day. of. my. life.

I have recently had the thought that coming to terms with a mental illness is much like coming out as gay. By the time you suck it up and admit, to yourself and others, that you are "that way", it comes as a surprise to absolutely NO ONE. You wrestle and struggle with this (to you) great, huge, dark secret, trying to deny it, and the only one being fooled by it was yourself. Of course, maybe I'm wrong, and coming out is NOT akin to that at all? I'd love for any intelligent feedback on either or both.
In other news, I have gotten my back brace and walker, and look forward to increased mobility. I am too damned old to be pregnant, that's for sure. Counting the remaining days...that is, till my December 25th due date. Yes, that's really my due date! Of course, he'll come when he's good and ready. It will be a gift on any day.

I've seen a couple of interesting/amusing things lately, and here are links to 2 of them

[link]
for anyone confused on the proper way to tell someone they are SOL.


and doesn't everyone believe in the power of both positive feedback and constructive criticism? I maintain that NO ONE is above comment-
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Enjoy!